I can't go on any longer. All that remains is a lie that I, too belong to the living. A man does not live until a rhytmic melody of a heart beats in him, he doesn't live until the very last breath, he is alive as long as he lives and while the spirit in him is the embodiment of God's creation of life. Nobody dies only once. We die every time we lose someone we love. God, can you count how many times I have died?
And you, Matthew, the one I love, you are nothing else but me. I will break you, just as every woman breaks a man, shamelessly and relentlessly. I promise you, Matthew. Just wait until I have enough courage so that my body can afford you, just as you last in my spirit for years...When I take back a part of me, I will be happy and calm. I am not that way because you, the one I love, are nothing else but me. Therefore, I recognized your nobility, that is why I feel your fear, that is why I am afraid of your anger, that is why I glorify your love, do you know...therefore, I know who you are, Matthew, because you, the one I love, are nothing else but me. I must learn that even when I give my all, I give nothing. A triumph over your love is actually planting of understanding, a planted thought. While you are led with that thought, it will be quite easy for me to mold it. While I mold your emotions, and impose erotic heat of my heart, and illusory occasional coldness of my spirit, while in front of you, I will keep you under my feet until then. After all, somebody is always keeping someone else under his or her feet. I love you so much, and long for you, but I don't believe I will be able to stay by your side if you want me to, one day. I have a feling that I will soon leave your presence Matthew, too...and I still haven't tasted you, I haven't drank anything from your lips. I will leave with a wish in my heart always to return, again and again, what a terrible felling of being worthless. What a capricious, liberal fact that is that I need freedom, but I will die for the one who give it to me. A conviction that everything will pass, without any conciousness about the fact that nothing is lost forever because of simple reason, which says that everything what happens shapes my spirit for the time yet to come. Maybe due to being thwarted by Sergey I will suffer a loss from you, guided by a muffle instinct, and under pressure from former knowledge. I will stay alone, living in conviction that one more of my romantic relationships is broken and that I lost a precious being. I won't be able to recognize a deception of my own mind. Those who disappointed me and hurt me, instead of being in past, just where they belong, will actually rejoice through my character, which is changed thanks to them. They will rejoice for a long, long time into the future.
Love is awareness of other being's existence, of its importance. Perception of aesthetic phenomenon in various spheres, whether it is visual or subjective beauty, it is not perfect, but as long as it is inspired by wishes, it is supported by faith in its uniqueness and probably one that is never repeated. A part of my being could swear to love Sergey, but that is not love which causes pain and suffering; or maybe it is, because all that I have ever seen with him, was nothing else but pain. Therefore, if you ever give yourself to me, never do it totally. Hide, run away, wander off, make me suffer because of you, just don't let me grow weary of you. You are nothing but a temptation. You are a discord in my consciousness, a uniqueness of distance of my limits, abyss of my perditions. You are passion, hatred, tranquility, hunger, thirst. You poisoned me, you are my sickness, cure, weakness and strength...all contradictions of life are gathered in you, all the energy of existence. Oh, I feel so bad...no, I haven't lost everything, but how can I find comfort in it, when I recognized myself among the lost ones.